Self-care and Support

I enjoy swimming at my nearby YMCA.  It is typical of gym culture to share swim lanes, and when busy, there are usually two people in a lane.  As I approached the pool, all lanes were full except one. I began to enter slowly and signaled the woman I was entering the lane with; however, the woman stopped and yelled that this was the only twenty minutes she had to herself all day, and she was not sharing!  I was stunned, as was everyone who heard it.  I went to the nearby bench and waited for another lane to open. I didn't feel angry. Instead, a deep sadness washed over me.  I began to sit with my emotions as some deep grief drew me to experience what I was experiencing fully. As I sat, I followed my breath to enter the present moment. Memories began surfacing of all the times I was allowed to stretch myself too thin.  Too often, I only had twenty minutes to myself; however, I was too “polite” to yell out my needs as this young woman had.

Old memories of care providing arose like a fully embodied movie. Memories of my first marriage to an alcoholic, raising stepchildren, and working full-time as a mental health counselor.  Memories of caring for aging and dying parents and relatives, clearing and getting the family home ready for sale. Faces of women I counseled over the years stepping up to the call of career, children, and social demands and knowing there wasn't a way out, just a way into the experience of the aches and tiredness of care-providing and the simple sweet joys. As I stayed with the myriad thoughts and emotions without judgment, I allowed grief, regret, and loving-kindness to emerge.

I felt tightness in my chest and shallow breathing. I chose my self-care then and began breathing a little more deeply. I committed to being with it all without trying to change anything. In this way, I began to harness my inner fire to stay with this discomfort to experience the wisdom it brings. And when the storyline in my mind began to subside, I linked intention with breath and breathed in peace to my belly—filling with the quickening of air.  I breathed out peace to all women who have a blessed twenty minutes in their day to call their own. I emerged with the comfort of water and knew that in this cry for time is the need for a balance of all we are so we have the joy and strength to continue to give.  I dedicate these self-care practices to these women and to all they touch.